Missing You....

When I dream, meaning while I am asleep, I rarely remember them once I wake.  Sometimes I will remember them for a few minutes, but they fade very fast.  Every once in a while, there is an exception.  A dream so powerful that it is all I can think about.  A dream so intense that it is with me weeks and months later.  I had one of those dreams about six weeks ago.

In my dream, I was surrounded by people that I have known and loved, but people I have lost touch with.  Friends from high school, friends from college, people I have met in passing, but have impacted me.  Everyone was there.  We were able to talk, to catch up, to make up for lost time.  And then I saw him.  One of my dearest friends, ever.  Patrick was there. 

At this point you need some back history.  I met Patrick my junior year of college, when we lived in the same dorm.  Turned out we started working in the same department on campus, as well.  We became very good friends.  We could challenge each other, debate each other, be there when a crisis hit.  We were the definition of truly good friends.  When I was in my first year of my graduate program, I met my husband at one of Patrick’s parties.  Turns out they knew each other from high school.  Patrick was an usher in our wedding.  That day was the last time we saw him.  My husband left for a deployment overseas and Patrick started job hunting.  Patrick moved to Colorado, and shortly after my husband returned home, we got a phone call.  The phone call.  The one no one ever wants.  A hospital was trying to find Patrick’s next of kin and Jeremy was the first one to answer his phone as they called those listed in Patrick’s phone. 

Patrick was gone.  We were never able to speak to him again.  Everyone who knew him was devastated.

So back to the dream…  I remember, in my dream, knowing that Patrick was soon going to die.  I remember wanting to warn him.  I remember struggling with how I was going to say those words to him, so that maybe we could change the course of history.

I woke up.  I was devastated.  As I started to process, I realized that we were just a couple of weeks from the 5^th anniversary of Patrick’s death.  Sometimes life just sucks.  Sometimes it is so painful.  I talked with a good friend at work that day, as I tried to understand what this dream meant.  I think that it was a reminder.  It was a reminder that we were coming to that painful day.  It was a reminder of the amazing people I have had in my life.  It was a reminder to never take those you love for granted.  While I was not able to warn Patrick and change our lives, I was able to see him.  I was able to know that he was okay. 

I’m not sure I will ever forget that dream.  I’m not sure I want to.

So today…I am thinking of one of my best friends….

The song I chose for today is “Closer to Fine” by the Indigo Girls.  I feel that it says a lot about the relationship I had with Patrick.  We challenged each other, we fought, we made up, we taught each other to take life less seriously and to stop trying so hard to have everything figured out.  I pray that everyone has a friend like that.  So this song…this song is for Patrick.

"Closer To Fine"

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

Patrick Robinson

December 23, 1982-April 23, 2008

Dreams...

Dreams…

They are something we all have.  Sometimes it is actual dreams while we are sleeping, sometimes it is daydreams that hit during quiet moments of the day.  Sometimes dreams are realistic, sometimes dreams are fantasies that we don’t expect to happen.  

I don’t know about you, but my dreams vary.  I have dreams when I sleep about what my day will bring, what my next ten years will bring.  I also dream about the past, about what could have been.  My daydreams are normally a little bit more realistic.  Sometimes they are what I will do after work, sometimes they are what my next career might be.  And then there are the fantasies that come with dreaming/daydreaming.  Dreams that I will be able to go to a different concert every night, dreams that I will move to Italy or Hawaii, dreams that I can change my world with a single decision.

To me, this blog is a chance to explore those dreams.  A chance to share those thoughts and maybe hear about your dreams.  Even better, a chance to try and make some of those dreams come true.

For my first mini-project…Music.  Those around me know that I love concerts, I love finding new bands.  I have quite a varied taste in music, with my playlist hopping between Fall Out Boy, classic Green Day, Indigo Girls, Ben Taylor, and everything in between.  I find a lot of joy in the shuffle function of my playlists.  It allows for the music to change in a heartbeat, and many times I hear a song that speaks to me in a way that I had not anticipated.  Without shuffle, I would likely not have listened to that song.  With that in mind, I have started recording my Song of the Day.

On this Memorial Day, that song was “Today” by Steve Moakler.

Step out from the walls
It’s time to start the dancing
Stop holding all your cards
It’s time to take some chances
Fall into a dream
Let it spit you back out
Just drop everything
And take a look around you
Take a look around you

Send your fear away
Let it slip away
Today is a revival
Today
Today
All you need to know is that you’re letting go
Today is a revival
Today
Today

Man don’t you just stand there
Go on and tell her
Look at all the love
Ain’t it like a shelter
When you just

Send your fear away
Let it slip away
Today is a revival
Today
Today
All you need to know is that you’re letting go
Today is a revival
Today
Today

Brother are you broken
Sister are you down
You don’t have to stay in your place
In your place

Send your fear away
Let it slip away
Today is a revival
Today
Today
All you need to know is that you’re letting go
Today is a revival
Today
Today

Today
Today

We always have another chance.  We can always restart.  Those who know me know that I am not the most optimistic person, I am not the person who is most likely to share a plucky saying that is designed to cheer you up.  I tend to lean on sarcasm and am quite practical.  But today…today these lyrics meant something to me.  Days get tough.  Days can be painful.  Sometimes we have to go one moment at a time, because a year, a week, or a day is just too much to handle at one time.  With that in mind, remember that Today we can restart.  Today we can let go of the past.  Today there is hope.

So as you go on with your day…think about what today means to you.  Think about what song means something special to you today.  And enjoy the day for what it is.