Missing You....

When I dream, meaning while I am asleep, I rarely remember them once I wake.  Sometimes I will remember them for a few minutes, but they fade very fast.  Every once in a while, there is an exception.  A dream so powerful that it is all I can think about.  A dream so intense that it is with me weeks and months later.  I had one of those dreams about six weeks ago.

In my dream, I was surrounded by people that I have known and loved, but people I have lost touch with.  Friends from high school, friends from college, people I have met in passing, but have impacted me.  Everyone was there.  We were able to talk, to catch up, to make up for lost time.  And then I saw him.  One of my dearest friends, ever.  Patrick was there. 

At this point you need some back history.  I met Patrick my junior year of college, when we lived in the same dorm.  Turned out we started working in the same department on campus, as well.  We became very good friends.  We could challenge each other, debate each other, be there when a crisis hit.  We were the definition of truly good friends.  When I was in my first year of my graduate program, I met my husband at one of Patrick’s parties.  Turns out they knew each other from high school.  Patrick was an usher in our wedding.  That day was the last time we saw him.  My husband left for a deployment overseas and Patrick started job hunting.  Patrick moved to Colorado, and shortly after my husband returned home, we got a phone call.  The phone call.  The one no one ever wants.  A hospital was trying to find Patrick’s next of kin and Jeremy was the first one to answer his phone as they called those listed in Patrick’s phone. 

Patrick was gone.  We were never able to speak to him again.  Everyone who knew him was devastated.

So back to the dream…  I remember, in my dream, knowing that Patrick was soon going to die.  I remember wanting to warn him.  I remember struggling with how I was going to say those words to him, so that maybe we could change the course of history.

I woke up.  I was devastated.  As I started to process, I realized that we were just a couple of weeks from the 5^th anniversary of Patrick’s death.  Sometimes life just sucks.  Sometimes it is so painful.  I talked with a good friend at work that day, as I tried to understand what this dream meant.  I think that it was a reminder.  It was a reminder that we were coming to that painful day.  It was a reminder of the amazing people I have had in my life.  It was a reminder to never take those you love for granted.  While I was not able to warn Patrick and change our lives, I was able to see him.  I was able to know that he was okay. 

I’m not sure I will ever forget that dream.  I’m not sure I want to.

So today…I am thinking of one of my best friends….

The song I chose for today is “Closer to Fine” by the Indigo Girls.  I feel that it says a lot about the relationship I had with Patrick.  We challenged each other, we fought, we made up, we taught each other to take life less seriously and to stop trying so hard to have everything figured out.  I pray that everyone has a friend like that.  So this song…this song is for Patrick.

"Closer To Fine"

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

Patrick Robinson

December 23, 1982-April 23, 2008